How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
