ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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