I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
