I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
