In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
