i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
