i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
