Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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