okay pat passed out under dana's car
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
