Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
