It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
