oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
