her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
