Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
