OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
