Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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