My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
