Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
