Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
