Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
