Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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