Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
