you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
