ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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