My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
