Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
