all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I did not marry a roomba.
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