I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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