one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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