So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
