If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just invented taco cereal.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
