Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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