You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
