It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
