Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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