Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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