So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
