ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
