so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
