I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
