A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
