I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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