Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
