My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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