just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
