I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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