I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
