I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think your dad took our porno
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
