Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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