oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
